The Summer of Harry Potter

The past nine weeks have revolved around Harry Potter. We read four books, and listened to the stories on CD and then enjoyed the movies. 

The kids won't remember this summer as the summer mom worked and went to school full time. The kids won't remember the days that dad couldn't go to work. They will remember this summer as the summer of Harry Potter.

The thrill of being caught up in a good book. The hope that good conquers evil. A hope that I still have for our home.  

Harry helped us have great conversations about choosing good friends. We talked about what happens when are afraid, and what to do if someone picks on you, and how to look out for each other.

Halloween is near. Both kids are going to dress up as characters from the books. Thank you to the Halloween stores that carry kid costumes because I don't have time to sew this year.  

Like Harry the feel like they can do anything because they were loved.

How to Substitue in Primary with 2 minutes notice

I was recently released from being the Primary President in my ward. This calling taught me to listen to the Word of the Lord and helped prepare me for our daily battle against the Dark Side.  I needed a lot of Substitutes and unfortunately most of them were last minute. 

How to Substitute in Primary with 2 Minutes Notice 

My Cousin Debbie always joked that if you pulled together a primary lesson in two minutes and it turned out decent you’ve served in the primary too long.  But she has a spiritual gift.  For all of us that don’t have Debbie’s talents here are a few tips on last minute teaching.

1.     Thank you for saying yes.  This is not the ideal situation for substituting, but last minute sicknesses do come up.  By saying yes you relieve stress for many people.  You are also in a position to strongly listen to the Holy Ghost.

2.    Remember to pray.      

3.    Look up the key scripture and topic of the lesson.    Can the scripture be acted out?  Can the kids play a game around this topic?  Good games are follow the Leader, hang man, or guess who are a few. 

4.    Share your testimony. 

Finally, don’t compare how this lesson went with a lesson you taught previously.  You did the best you could with the time you had.  

39 and Holding......Not Us

June 2014

Exactly one year ago my husband spent 10 days in the hospital. He was there for a variety of reasons, both physical health related and mental health related.  During that hospital stay my husband turned 39. His recovery is a long process and we are still on the recovery path.

Birthdays have always been a big deal around our house, and we wanted to make this birthday special because we were limited on our celebrating last year. (Due to his health and meds we couldn't even have cake last year that's how bad it was.)

The kids and I decided to decorate our home with a Superman Theme. I'm walking through the store picking up plates, tablecloths and that kind of things and there were balloons and buttons that said, "39 and Holding".

I thought 39 is over 40 has to be better.

When I told this to my husband about this though we laughed. He agreed 39 was over. It's time to look to the future.

Sometimes all you need is a fresh start and 40 is ours.

Yearbook Pictures

The end of school is near when your kids bring home yearbooks. The kids showed off every page to me. They told me which boy my little girl liked. They told me which girl liked my little boy, and pointed out every friend in the whole school. They even gave me a play by play of the entire school year.  

As a mother I've worried that my kids are becoming depressed because our house has a battle going on with the Dark Side every day. So I looked carefully at my children's pictures. They were happy in their school pictures. I had to look at the pictures again to be sure, but there was no doubt my children were genuinely happy.    

I may not be helping my husband battle the Dark Side, but I'm preventing it from taking over my children's lives. 

"Egg"selent

I've decided I believe in old wives tales....At least for today. Tomorrow???? But I've heard one of the fastest ways to get out of depression is to do service for someone.  The suggestion was also made in Primary on Sunday to serve others when you feel bad. So I'm trying to apply this advice. I know I'm a grown up, but I know my Primary leaders are praying for me too.

I'm starting to slip into those oppressive thoughts that lead to depression myself. My thoughts mostly consist of what have I done to "feed" my husbands depression? Are my expectations too high? Do I put too much pressure on him?

I logically know those type of thoughts do not get me anywhere that I should be going. And Action is required to change some of those thoughts. People say your brain can only think about one thought at a time. Another old wives tale. One that I believe, so it's time to take some action.

The kids are learning things from everywhere these days. Our church leaders say nothing can replace the work done in our own home. So today's thoughts consist of not passing on the depression.

We found a bag of plastic eggs from Easter. I had the kids write positive messages inside the eggs. Kid handwriting is cuter right? Then we made a note that said, "Your Eggselent" and "You've been egged." Then we scattered the eggs in a neighbor's yard.

So thanks for the "Egg"selent suggestion of giving service. It helped battle the Dark Side today.

Thank You to Eric Church

Eric Church has a song on his first album "Sinner's like Me" called Livin' a Part of Life.

When I am stressed or the song on the radio isn't creating good thoughts in my head I play this song.
I can relate to every line.

"Woke up early this mornin' and I'm already runnin'late." Since this started I've been waking up at 4:45 to 5:15 every morning. Even getting up an hour earlier, I slide into work at the last minute. 

"I've got a list of things as long as my arm that I want to get done today."
"Is it Tuesday? Is it Wednesday?" What did I wear yesterday?

But what I love best about this song is how I am reminded to take time for myself and make Livin' a Part of Life.  When I keep fun things in our family (puzzles, funny books, silly math games ect)I've found that even when my husband is down for the count I can breath during this battle.

Battling the Darkside is a daily battle at least for the time being. If I don't find time to have joy in this battle my kids will be out of the house, and not have positive memories to look back on.  Maybe just maybe, the kids might not know how strong the Darkside really is if I can keep Livin' a Part of Life.
Eric, thank you for my pep talk that I can replay daily, hourly, and every five minutes if I need to.

Memorial Day 2014

Memorial Day is a day that we as citizens have the privilege to say thank you to all the Service Men and Women that made and make great sacrifices for our current way of life. Today I'd like to say thank you to their families too.

Thank you to all the partners who have been woke up in the middle of the night from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) nightmares. Those are scary for both of you. Thank you that I may sleep at peace in my own bed knowing that I will be safe.

Thank you to all the kids that blew kisses to parents at the airport not knowing how long it would be before you could hug, or kiss your mom or dad again.

Thank you to every parent that taught their kid to stand up for what they believe, and then having the faith to let your child go and protect others.

Thank you to every Leader who stayed behind so that the team was out first.

Depression and Anxiety are not Cancer

May 2015

Many times on this journey of Battling the Dark Side I've found myself wishing this was Cancer instead of fighting Depression and Anxiety. People understand cancer. People understand cancer  treatments make you sick. People understand that cancer effects the whole family. People raise money for fighting Cancer.  

Truthfully, I don't wish our fight was cancer. I just wish people understood this is a hard battle.

People don't understand Depression, Anxiety, and the rest of the mental health trials. The last statistics I saw from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) says "1 out of 20 Americans 12 years of age and older experience current depression." 

So to bring those numbers home more logically I have 20 houses on my street with an average of 3 people over the age of 12. (20*3=60) Out of 60 people 3 people on my street are experiencing depression This Moment. 

I am not alone in this battle. 

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month.

Help family members get help. Don't be afraid to drive to the emergency room, or call a hotline. The family member may be mad for a moment, but a moment is not a lifetime.

Circling back to the cancer topic. I was asked to bring dinner to a dear friend name Hillary. Yes Hillary is her real name. When the compassionate service leader called and asked if I could bring Hillary a meal on Thursday, saying yes to the meal was easy. I looked at my calender and saw how busy Thursday night was, and had know idea how to get her the meal on time, but thought to myself, "We're not fighting cancer. We can do this."

Tales of Mother's Day's Past

I'm blessed to have good kids. My son came running into my bedroom Mother's Day morning. He jumped on the bed and wished me a good day. My daughter slept in. I didn't see her for two more hours.

Their cards were cute and full of love.

I cried through church. Which is quite common. I gave up wearing make up to church about a year ago because what's the point if I'm going to cry it off anyway. My husband told me he wanted to cancel his apt with our therapist scheduled for Monday because he's tired of talking about "it".  I finally feel like we are getting somewhere and he tells me this. He say's he can feel the Dark Side Creeping in, but he's not in the Dark Place.

Last Mother's day he greeted me with a hug. I didn't receive any hugs that I didn't initiate.

May the 4th Be With You

May the 4th Be With You

Today we celebrated Star Wars at our home. My little girl wore Princess Leia buns in her hair. My son wore his Jedi Training Academy shirt. I tried to come up with some sort of food that a Jedi would eat,but all we did was laugh that I didn't know what a Jedi ate. Then instead of shooting spider webs at the school bus as it drove away, I sent Lightsaber waves. 

I do want to thank George Lucas for all the fun family time we have had over the fifteen years I've know Star Wars.  Star Wars was one of the first movies my husband remembers seeing in the theater and when the first three movies were added to the story line we spent our anniversary in the world of Yoda and clones. 

My son knew he would be picked at Disney Land to be a Jedi because he was strong in the Force. He was picked and would not join Vader's side. He lived as a Jedi every visit to the dentist until he out grew his costume. The dentist also made his visits fun because he was honored to clean a Jedi's teeth. 

The Halloween that my son wanted to be a Clone Trooper my daughter wanted to be Leia. We thought we could make the white dress Leia wears when she has the buns over her ears. This was funny because we forgot to make seam allowances and my daughter couldn't breathe or move her arms. I spent the next day hunting every Halloween shop searching for a costume. She was so happy when I came home with Padmé Amidala. I never thought my kids would have "matching" costumes.

But most of all I want to thank George Lucas for helping me understand the Dark Side and the battle that all Good members face. The Dark Side has been so powerful I could feel it, and I wish all I had to do was wave a purple lightsaber and the wisdom of the council would help me defeat it. Thank you for the inspiration for this blog.

I'm not giving up in this personal Battle. And as my son and so many other wise people have said, "May the Force Be with You!"

You are Special

Present April 2014

Max Lucado wrote a wonderful story You are Special. I tried to paste the image of the front cover here, and his website but that was not successful.  But the key point in the book is that God's opinion is the one that truly matters, not what everyone else thinks.

We had a rough week. My husband had a better week, but my 10 year-old son had a rough week. Right now at recess it's cool to play football. He brings his own ball, and the kids like to play with his because it's out local high school's colors. He didn't get to play the position that he wanted. He was picked last by the team captains, and every day at recess he was told he "sucked" at all the positions he played.

This dark cloud needed to end.

Along with Scriptures we read this book before he left for school. I had stickers that stuck, and stickers that were so old they wouldn't stick to anything. We dropped all the negative stickers on the ground.

The sticker that my son wanted to stick was that he was a good son. He dropped the sticker about being a poor football player.

The sticker that my husband dropped was that he was going to hell.

That was the first time we talked about my husband's fear with the whole family. The kids and I told their dad all the good things that he does for the world and our family. We left the house with a peaceful feeling.

Our son thought this was so helpful we did this for about three days.

Thank you Max Lucado for being inspired to write a story that reminds us that God's opinion is the one that truly matters.  Thank you for helping us battle the Dark Side one day at a time.

Attending Church Alone

Current

Since before this battle started my husband quit attending church. He never said that I couldn't attend church, or that the kids couldn't attend church. He's attendance started drying up like a riverbank in the summer.

I sincerely believe in the atonement and shared that testimony on Sunday. After church a ward member approached me and said she knew she could tell me something because I would understand hard things. I've known this sister for about ten years. We've traded being visiting teachers to each other and I served with her in Cub Scouts. My point is I've loved this sister in different ways for several years.  

She said, "My husband has been battling pornography for the twenty years we have been married. The hard part of this, is his trial is confidential. I can't tell people to get the support that I need. I feel like I'm betraying him when the Home Teachers asks if we need a blessing. Because my husband struggles being worthy to provide those spiritual things in our home."

I didn't see that coming. 

At least with my husband not attending church, people don't question why I need Priesthood holders to come to my house at odd times.  

I never thought of my husband staying at home a blessing.

Now the real challenge is to make sure this sister above knows I love her just the way she is.  I just learned I'm her new visiting teacher.  I need to bring love, and compassion to her without judgement adding to her burden.

  

Roses Thorns and Buds

http://mikeknudson.wix.com/mikeknudson-website#!collection

This book was a lot of fun to read with my family. The kids and I have read it probably five or six times. While reading this series my son advanced 4 reading levels.  Raymond and Graham kept us laughing.

But the way this book helps our family battle the Dark Side was unexpected.

Raymond and Graham go to camp and at the end of the night the camp leaders have the kids do Roses,Thorns, and Buds. Each camp member tells something good that happened that day- Roses. Then they tell something bad- Thorns. And the Buds are something to look forward to the next day.

We've now done this game for several years before everyone goes to bed. This helps my husband who is depressed just plain talk in general. This helps us know how the kids interpreted the day. But it also showed me that my husbands meds were out of balance.

How would it show me the meds were out of balance? We had four months where my husband didn't experience anything good, or bad. Everything was okay or fine. We lived in a world of grey. We didn't experience any joy.

2 Nephi 2:25 says:  Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

This simple exercise and the scripture helped change the conversations at the doctor's office.

Thank you Mike Knudson for helping my family to laugh, read, and interpret life.

Mouth of Two or Three Witnesses

Fall 2014
I believe prayer is how we talk to God, and the scriptures are how he answers our prayers. So when my answer came from three different people in the same day I was surprised.

Background:
Almost every morning my sister and I walk my crazy dog. When she would ask what happened since we walked together, I would tell her and she wouldn't understand. Or she would be critical of how I handled something. I was starting to feel like my husband's trials were taking away my relationship with my sister. She sincerely did not understand how my husband could sleep for three days and still be tired. She did not understand how my children were reacting to my husband's trials. (She still is my kids favorite aunt.)

At this time my Mother-in-law was calling everyday to ask how her son was doing. She would leave him messages and because he was asleep he wouldn't call her back. After this went on for a while I started to feel like I wasn't following the council of the scriptures. “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." D&C 42:22. Yes, she needed to know what was going on, but because my husband was asleep I was talking to someone else. 

My mom seemed to be the person that even though she didn't understand what was going on, was the most supportive.  She didn't try to pacify me with phrases, "that this too shall pass" and "just tell him to get over it" or "make your husband go to work." Then complete shock happened and her dad passed away. With this turn of events she was busy taking care of her mom. She didn't forget about me or ignore me, she just had other things added to her plate.

Answered Prayer:
I met a group of friends and they asked what was going on. Without hesitation the group all told me I needed to get a counselor. I went to work that day and my boss suggested I talk to her and call the employee assistance line and get a counselor.  The third person that day was from someone I hardly knew. 

Action:
I looked up providers with my health insurance and had an intake scheduled. Unlike my husbands quick intakes,(Yes those were exceptions to the rule.) mine was 45 days out.  I'd lived with it for 4 years what was another 45 days.  

Setting up our First Appointment with a Therapist

Timeline Feb/March 2010

I knew something was off. I didn't know what was wrong, or if everything I was watching was all in my head, but something was different.  

We were laying in bed and I actually got my husband talking. Something he was doing less and less of lately. I didn't know what they meant, I just knew it was different. Somewhere inside of me I found the courage to ask if he was suicidal. At the time I didn't know if talking about suicide was a good thing or not. 

His answer surprised me when he said yes.    

I don't remember which thought came first or what I said back to him, but I knew he was being honest with me, and I didn't know what to do, or how to "fix" this. I saw this news like a broken arm, or the doctor telling me my child had an ear infection.  A little love, and an antibiotic we would be on our way.

Sleep and I didn't become good partners that nigh. It was probably one of the first nights I understood how someone could pray all night. I didn't dare leave my room, or my bed, but when early morning came I devoured any solid information on the internet. 

At 8:01 I called and had an intake appointment with LDS social services for that day. I might have got through to someone sooner, like a whole minute. I accidentally called the adoption line. What a relief we could be seen the same day. I was lucky when I set up the appointment. The scheduling clerk understood me though my tears.   

I didn't go to this appointment. Our kids were too little, and finding someone to watch them seemed wrong. But when my husband walked in the door his shoulders were taller and eyes brighter.

LDS Social Services 

Your Happily Ever After

My Happily Ever After isn't Over

My youngest daughter just turned eight. She is now an official member of Activity Days. Something she's been looking forward to as much as her Baptism.  The first activity for her to attend was a mother daughter activity. She was invited to come in a princess dress and enjoy dinner at the church. I was invited to bring something that represented my Happily Ever After for the decorations.

I saw that request and my first thought was I can't lie to these sweet girls. I don't even know if I'm going to be married in the next few weeks, or months. So I'm supposed to go to an activity talking about Happily Ever After.

The Darkside was strong. this week. I wasn't afraid that my husband would take his life this week, those thoughts were not in his mind. We had a different problem.  My husband didn't care about anything-except the kids. He refused to hug me on more than one occasion. He couldn't talk to me when I walked in the door.  I was ready to contact someone to learn how to start a divorce. I made many covenants in the temple, and being ignored was not one of them.

My daughter insisted that we bring a decoration. The suggested items were family pictures, a wedding picture, or a picture of the temple. I couldn't bring any of those. That would be just like telling the girls a lie. We hunted around the house and saw a gift from my husband from Valentines Day a few years ago. He gave me a flower that is battery operated and when it opens says, "I love you."  This didn't feel like a lie.  The guy that gave me the flower loved me. And that guy was not the same guy sitting in the next room, even though they are the same person.

We ended up sitting with the moms that do not attend church, but their daughters attend Activity Days regularly. This was fun.I enjoyed laughing with these sweet sisters.

I was the only mom that didn't bring a picture. My daughter loved seeing all the wedding dresses outside the temple, and cute family pictures. She giggled when she saw our flower. She wasn't bothered that we were different.

The program was based around  President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk Your Happily Ever After.  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/your-happily-ever-after?lang=eng . I don't know how to post the video of this yet, but when I do I'll come back and put the video in.

The Activity Day leader wrote individual parts for the girls to say as if they were a princess from a fairy tale and a small message tying the princess's story to The Gospel Standards. 

I was reminded that My Happily Ever After isn't over. If I do end up getting divorced my story isn't over. If I'm blessed to stay married (but in a healthy relationship) I'm still in the middle of this story.

I'm a daughter of God what better ending could I have than to return to Him.

Insights from Visiting Teaching

I'm not the best visiting teacher, but I do try to go see my sisters regularly.  One sister I visit has a daughter addicted to drugs and is starting the addiction and recovery program near us.  First of all she was brave to tell me her "truth" and what she part she played as a mom that led to her daughter leaving the path. She told me when she looked back she had so many things going on in her life that she was too busy to hear what her daughter truly needed.

So how does this message apply to me?

I discovered the same truth.

When I was at my husbands therapy appointment this week we were able to pin point where changes started in our relationship. I had been blessed to be a stay-at-home mother for several years. Then I was called to be the Primary President and all of the sudden I was different busy at our home. I also accepted a 4 hour a month part time job outside of our home. It didn't seem like it was too much at the time.I was busy with good things, I thought I was including my husband in those new parts of my life. Looking back I would still say yes to the calling, and I would still take the job, but now that I've learned that I was too busy to hear what my husband was truly saying back then.

Now, all I can do is repent and try to do better in the future.

Experiences vs. Stuff

Family gift giving around our house changed a few years ago.This was about the time the depression and anxiety started to become overbearing.  Part of my husband's outlook on life, to battle the dark side, is always having something to look forward to like a goal, but it is an event. So instead of just buying our kids, and each other a gift "stuff" he tries to make it an experience. This practice started when our kids were 5 and 7.  They are now 8 and 10.

Four our daughter's 5th birthday she wanted a sewing machine of her own. My husband liked this because she wouldn't be able to use the machine on her own for a while. So she would have experiences creating things with her mother until she could do things on her own.

Now our daughter is 8. For her birthday this year she was able to take the sewing class at JoAnn's Fabric and Crafts to sew her own summer dress. This was a lot of fun and we looked forward to this for a few years.

Our son has received scouting items, tickets to sporting events, gift cards to McDonalds because he wanted to pay.

It isn't a perfect system, but has helped in the past. Our next birthday isn't for four months and we need to start planning. We have so much to live for.

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror on the wall 

I believe one way depression starts is when we hear something negative and believe it. I've heard people say that for every one negative it takes three positives to cancel out the negative.

This idea can be daunting.

Because as the person that loves the family member that is depressed we have no comprehension of how many times they have told themselves that "negative thought" over and over. We also do not know what damage this thought did to other healthy thoughts.

One way we try to combat this issue is with a mirror. After we have read our scriptures for the morning my daughter gets the "Magic Mirror." We pass the mirror around and each person says something positive about themselves to the mirror.  Sometimes this goes better than others.

Here are some examples of things that have been said:

"I'm good enough"
"I can do this."
"I'm smart and I can solve my own problems."
"I'm cute."
"Every quarterback get's picked."
"Sometimes we loose the game, but I'm not a looser."
"Not every problem needs to be solved."
"I do not need (insert a name) approval to be a good (basketball player, student, family member)."


My husband has a broken relationship with God. I'm hoping in the next few months to add some lines that say, "I'm a child of God and He loves me."

As a Latter Day Saint, I have been blessed to say the Young Women theme over and over again. The first few lines reminds me that I have a Father in Heaven that loves me, and hope to spread that knowledge and His love to all my family.

Hello, if you are reading this and you love someone that struggles with depression and suicide you are not alone. I've created this blog as a way to share some of my personal insights into this mostly unspoken and taboo area in society. Not from a clinical (professionally trained) point of view, but from someone that's lived with someone who's suffered with both issues.All the while trying to raise a family.

In the words of Elastigirl, from Walt Disney's  The Incredibles:  "Your identity is your most valuable possession. Protect it." I will be keeping these entries honest and anonymous. The posts will be from four years of Journal entries or memoir style non-fiction posts. I hope to share insights I've gained from living with someone with these trials, and what I've learned I did to contribute to the situation. Hey, I'm not perfect and willing to be honest about it.

While I'm ready to talk about these issues, or write may be better words there is no substitute for professional help.  You can call as a concerned family member or the person battling the darkside. You can be anonymous but the more solid information you can provide (name, date of birth, or an address) could help in the event of a serious mental health emergency.

Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Or take your family member to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation by a professional.

Last but not least, a few things that make me different than other bloggers is that this is my first blog. I am also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And my dream is to be an author.