The Battle is Over but Just Beginning

I don't know if I am married or divorced. My paperwork has been sent to the judge and is in the the pile to be signed. I talked to my husband last night and he said he didn't feel very well and not to bring the kids over. He sounded awful but wanted to talk to the kids. The kids thought he sounded like he had been crying and he told both kids he loved them and he was proud of them. I have struggled every time I have spoke with him since he moved out about not telling him I love him. So instead I told him to be safe. That was about  seven thirty and those were the last words he said.

I sent him a text at 6 in the morning when my son and I were doing his paper route and he didn't answer. I sent him a text around lunch time about our son. I couldn't find his car in the parking lot at work so I went by his house.

When the garage door opened and his car was there I knew he passed away. I ran up the stairs yelling and screaming to make a ruckus in case I was wrong. I found him on the bathroom floor with a pillow under his head. A scream came out instantly when I saw him. I dropped my purse and threw my phone. Somehow I called 911. They told me to leave the house until the workers arrived because it would be treated like a crime scene.The emergency team came quickly. I was relieved when Terry,the EMT came in, who I knew from being a coach with youth football. I had tears on my cheeks and they called the medical examiner and declared him dead at 6 pm. When the Sheriff's department arrived I told them my in-laws would be there in a few minutes and they would need to tell them my husband was dead. I couldn't do that. There were so many police cars outside his place they had to know something was really wrong. My mother-in-law's cry was so painful to hear.

I know it sounds crazy looking at it in print, but I called my attorney because I was the one who found him and the phone emergency worker said his death was going to be treated like a criminal investigation. And that yes that means I probably have watched too much T.V.

I cried on the porch talking to an officer and because I didn't know if I was married or divorce and I didn't have paperwork in hand they said I was legally married and the next of kin.

I had to call my husband's boss so they had time to figure things out for Monday, fill out paperwork for the police and find someplace for my kids to go while I stayed with the police. My mother-in-law called all  her side of the family while I was still talking to the police.

I called my mom and my sister. Both of them didn't believe me at first. When my husbands aunt and brother came, my  mom decided she needed to come. She stayed with me until the police let me go. The Sheriff's office was kind. One of my husband's best friends worked for the Sheriff's office and the team let him know, so our name didn't come across his desk.

The medical examiner let us all see my husband's body before they took him to the office. I asked because my husband wanted to be cremated but his mom couldn't handle that and those choices couldn't be made until Monday when we had an appointment with the Mortuary. They had him in a blue plaid print quilt. He looked pale but like he was sleeping and in a blanket he would have picked out himself.

When they were taking him to the car and I had to talk to the Medical Examiner about where his body should go and how to prepare the body. My husband's aunt was quite upset with me for asking those type of questions to the family. She told me I threw him away. I took a big breath in and didn't say anything mean back. But I wanted to. She was the only person there besides me that saw how bad his nightmares were and she said I threw him away. That hurt.

The detective leading the investigation needed to take my husband's cell phone and any electronic devices.

My husband hadn't been suicidal for about nine months. He was actually doing better emotionally  that he was doing for a long time.

I knew this day would happen, but it was still a shock. He was doing so much better I thought a day like today was out of the question.

The police believed he died of natural causes, but nothing could be closed until a toxicology report came back.

The Shack

 I went on a date today after the kids went to their dad's house. I had been told by several people to go see the movie The Shack. I almost didn't go because that was what my husband and I were going to go see when I decided we were done. So those feelings were with me. I remembered from the book it started out hard. But it was two hours of my time well spent.

The movie shows a happy family that faces a tragedy. The youngest daughter dies. In dealing with his grief the dad shuts everyone one. I knew how the wife felt and I knew how hard she was praying for her family, and her husband. One thing that I have struggled with is that my husband and I no longer are healing together. I prayed, fasted and anything else I could think of, and begged God to no end. Somehow, and I don't understand why, but I'm not bitter. But I do have to be careful about jealousy. Because in real life people turn to their Savior and their family members are healed. I'm just as good/bad as anyone else. I wasn't given that blessing. 

My date and I talked about forgiveness. We talked about how we were changed by other people. Sitting in the truck it felt like a little haven. I wasn't expecting the movie to draw us closer together. With all the hard stuff I faced over the last while, I am still in shock that someone from my past is part of my healing. How wonderful it is to be loved by him-again.

I have asked my new/old boyfriend if he has forgiven my ex-husband for how he treated me. I know my ex-husband didn't mean to treat me the way he did. He never planned on that. But my new/old boyfriend said he's been thinking about it off and on since I asked him a few weeks ago. He just expressed how grateful he was to have me back in his life again and if that was the path to lead me back to him, then he would need to dwell on the positive and try to help heal the negative.  

I wasn't expecting to have Spiritual intimacy, and emotional intimacy in one night.  His kiss was tender and very loving when he kissed me good night. I felt like mush at the end of the date.  Like in The Shack healing comes in unexpected ways. 

Married People Go to Walmart on Dates

I ran into an ex-boyfriend of mine and when he found out I was getting divorced he asked me on a date. I didn't want my kids to meet him yet so I had him pick me up and take me to Walmart. Even driving to Walmart I said to him, you know married people go on dates to Walmart. We laughed all the way there. And sure enough I ran into several people from the ward on dates to Walmart with their spouse.

I didn't know how to act. I was afraid to hold his hand. I was afraid to touch him.

In the words of Grandma, I didn't die. But it was nice to be with someone that wanted to hold my hand. I may have been afraid of it, but it was nice.

Even being scared, going to Walmart on a date felt like I was normal. Who knows maybe one day I'll be a married woman going on dates to Walmart again.

Unexpected Forgivness

Nothing has really changed in my home. We are waiting for my husband's new place to be ready before he moves out. Things seem normal for the most part. My husband still goes to work, sleeps on the floor, and does what he wants. But what surprised me about the last few days is I am NOT mad at my husband for all the stuff he has chosen to stop doing for the last few years. I don't know how it happened. I wish I did, so I could share my secret, but by deciding to get divorced and he was never going to do what he used all of my anger went away.

The Attorney's office

We made the decision to share an attorney. Usually when you write about stuff like this there is a something profound you learned, or some pivotal drama, or internal conflict.  Nothing.

We went in sat down at the desk, spent ten minutes and gave him $1500 dollars in cash. He gave us both our own individual folders we shock hands. The attorney told us we needed to take a child class and that our state law required 90 days before the divorce could be finalized. Neither of us were very emotional. But I was relieved walking out the door a decision was made and agreed upon.

The drama came with the Credit Union told us we couldn't file with the court or they would not fund my husband's loan, because that was considered a lawsuit. So now another 45 days before we can file with the court and 90 days for the court to give us their blessing that we are not a couple anymore.

Being married is one of the neatest things I've ever done. Now it's in the hands of a judge.

The list of reasons to get Divorced.

I've wanted to write about this for a few weeks, but the thought of seeing this list in writing hurt. I met with my LCSW therapist a few weeks ago and he said, "Your a good little Mormon girl, and good little Mormon girls are taught to stay married and figure it out. And you were probably taught the only reason to end a marriage is abuse."  I was taught abuse, addiction and adultery were acceptable reasons to end a marriage, so he was pretty close.

This is a list of all the different things we talked about in my appointment. He felt like I couldn't make a decision about staying or leaving my marriage if I didn't have a full picture of the health of my marriage. My husband hasn't been suicidal for about five months now and his health seems to be maintaining. 

Different Values

Excessive Negativeness

Arguments

Counseling did not work

Unfaithful

Emotional exhaustion

Be better off

Needs no longer met

Staying for the kids

Abuse

Thinking marriage lesser of 2 evils

No longer trust

No longer respect

Cheaper to keep him

Worried what others will think

Feel lonely

Vastly different sexual needs

Not enjoying time together and/or life (social)

Distance pattern

Unfaithful, abuse and worried what others would think are the only things that I did not have on the list. That stung pretty hard. 

So reality is my relationship with my husband isn’t going to get any better, and I’m not doing well accepting that. I’m not doing well with the fact that It’s not IF but it’s really when, I get divorced. I am a liar because I committed to a long term relationship and I’m not keeping that commitment.  That’s bothering me a lot.  The statistics are if I leave my husband will either snap back to the guy he was before, or kill himself. He could just stay in the middle range where he is now but that’s like a 10% chance.  I also don’t want to give up the rest of my life. I love my neighbors, the kids school, the ward. I need a new job. There are consequences that come with that. I still have 9 months left of school. The kids are at hard ages for a life changing event. Entering junior high is hard enough, let alone divorce. 

But the fact that that I am feeling and crying is good. It's okay to feel what's really going on. 

I watched my marriage die

Hollywood makes marriages end with a bang, or a loud argument. I watched my die and in silence with nothing I could do about it.

My husband wrecked his car and called me to pick him up. It's been tense between us the last few weeks because I'm mad at him for not reaching out to me. So him calling me to pick him was was a good thing. He gave me a hug at the site of the accident, but because I needed one, not because he needed one. When I took him home he sat in the chair next to me with his hands in fists and tears leaking out of his eyes. He sat next to me in the house at the kitchen counter, the same way. Fists as tight as possible and I asked if I could him hug and help him feel better. He told me no, and I asked if I should call his mom, and he said yes. When she got there he hugged her in the exact same spot in the hall that he hugged me four years ago when his car was rear-ended. He hugged his mom, the way he should have, and used to turn to me. His dad got there a few minutes later and he cried and hugged his dad.

If he can't turn to me in a time of crisis, or good times, or anytime, why am I still married?

Meeting with the Stake President

Last Sunday the Stake President spoke and promised anyone in the congregation that they could ask him for help and he would do his best to support us in our trials. Well after a few days of pondering I took him up on the matter. I sent him an email and told him what was going on in my home. Here is basically what the email said.

This is my work email because I don’t want my kids to accidentally see it.

I know you promised the whole ward that you would do what you could to help them individually and you meant it. I don’t think there is anything you can do right now, but maybe in the future. It might help to know what is going on.

I have been married 16, almost 17 years and my husband has been suicidal for the last 6 of those years. He’s not been suicidal for 4 months now, and this is the longest time he as gone without those negative thoughts. He also has several health issues and it takes two hands to count them all. I have PTSD because my husband has PTSD and we both see a therapist.   

I know how Jonha feels. The Lord has told me it’s okay to get divorced and I don’t want to do that. Running away from the Lord is never good. That also means I need to get a new job because we both work for the same company and I like my job. 

In October I felt like I needed to get divorced. If I leave, I need to leave when he is well. But Good little Mormon girls don’t know how to do that. I had to learn how to do all that and I don’t want to stay married, but I don’t want to give up the rest of the life my husband and I built. Love isn’t an issue. I still love him, but I can’t do this everyday.   I don’t want to take my kids out of their schools, and away from Aunt M and Uncle M. They will also have anxiety if I stay or if I leave. And I still want the kids to see their dad everyday. I know church leaders are not supposed to tell people what to do in situations like mine. And no one can make that decision but me.    

I am having a hard time reconciling the truths I have been taught with the reality that I live. We really have had to have evil things cast out of my husband, and the house.  Things I never dreamed when we were married that could happen have happened. I wasn’t prepared for this.

But I do have hope and know Christ knows me by name and because of Jonha I am trying to have faith and do something each day to put that faith into action.

An only in Utah Moment

J wanted to go to the temple so I got him up and out the door and we were at the temple by 6 AM. Where I don't hold the priesthood they usually put J in with another ward. The worker took my son's slip and walked over to another group and I thought they were going to put Jake with the group. Turns out the leader of the other group was the guy I had my first date with. I would have been fine with "William" serving Jake in the temple, but it didn't happen. The worker was thanking William for taking his group to the temple that early in the morning. It would have stung a little if he baptized J because he was active in the church and my husband is not. But it was more important that J did baptisms than who helped him do the work. I also don't have any hard feelings against William.

Help from 10 States Away

For the last few weeks I haven't been able to get an ex-boyfriend's mom out of my head. I haven't talked to this boyfriend for twenty years and he doesn't live in the same state as I do. I don't regret not marring him or anything like that. He was a part of my past and for that I am grateful, but he hit walls. That usually is a red flag. As much as I would like, my kids are not being raised in a home like I grew up in. They are being raised with a mom that goes to work and a dad that sleeps a lot, has med changes regularly, and goes to the doctor once a month.

I was thinking of "John's" mom, mostly because she's lived though what I am facing and raised a family during all the health trials in her home. I wanted someone to tell me everything would be okay. What she wished she did differently and stuff like that. After a little detective work she passed away. So I called John and asked what helped him as a kid in our situation.

When he answered the phone I felt a sense of relief and I cried. Before we even got into what I was calling him for he apologized for hitting walls and said the first time he did that with his wife, she made him take anger management classes and thanked me for helping get him on a mission. He was so happy my son was playing football, had a dog, and was going to church. We spoke for twenty minutes and I felt a sense of peace.

I never told my husband about the call, but I made sure one of my best friends knew.

What I really learned from this conversation was that I have people willing to help me even if they live ten states away.

Two of the Scariest Things I've Ever Done

February 2014

When my husband was released from the hospital in June 2013, we knew February would be hard. If you don't know it February is the longest month out of the year. The sun isn't awake when you leave for work and it goes to bed before you leave work.  So in June, when he was stable we scheduled a business trip for February where he would be in the sun and be paid to go to work.

Fast forward to February two days before it's time to leave town.

My husband was suicidal and due to leave town. Before he left town I had to go to the Mortuary and ask those worst case scenario, what would happen if he took his life out of town. The answers change from state to state, and luckily I didn't need the answers.

I remember holding it together while I was in the Mortuary and how bad my hands shook putting the key in the ignition to go back home. I remember letting out my breath in the car feeling less powerless. I had answers to make choices.

October 2016

Today I talked to an attorney. My husband opened the divorce door again, and this time I haven't slammed it shut. I've been thinking this through as much as a possible. I know nothing works out like you plan it in your head. Even though we've talked about divorce in the past, I've never acted on any of those conversations.

Talking to the attorney about me and my specific situation was comforting.  I've never used an attorney's services. He was open to talking to me about a variety of family law, not just divorce. He told me about power of attorney and that my in-laws would have to prove my husband is an unfit parent if they wanted visitations. After he talked to me about all the health issues my husband has, he said something that I wasn't expecting. "He said, in my legal experience your situation doesn't get any better. It's better to get out while you can, and while both of you will be safe." (Referring to me and my husband.)

I sat in the car and cried a little. Nothing major. I called my mom, the only person who would keep this confidential. I didn't feel in shock like the mortuary even though both conversations felt similar. I felt like I was okay no matter what I did.

I'm still not ready to get a divorce. I never planed on getting an divorce. Until today, I didn't even know how to file for a divorce. But in the long run a divorce might not be a bad thing. I'm not going to make any fast decisions. But information made me feel powerful.

Now to make a decision....

ECT Treatment, or Electroshock Treatment

ECT Treatment, or Electroshock Treatment

My husband spent 10 days in the hospital last year. While in the hospital for a few health reasons one of his issues involved major depression.

Before his stay in the hospital he tried several antidepressant medications. All of them worked for a while, and brought him some relief. But he reached a point when the depression medications no longer worked.

During his hospital stay a treatment he hadn’t tried before was offered to him, ECT. The Doctor called the treatment by the initials until a full explanation of the treatment was given. ECT stands for Electroshock Treatment. This is often considered a last resort, but has powerful changes in people’s lives. The treatment consists of several small induced seizures, given under anesthesia. We had to watch a documentary and a video showing the treatment as it is currently preformed today.

People usually have a bad impression of this treatment because of the movie One Flew Over the Coo Coo’s Nest.  The side effects are possible memory loss, and issues with the anesthesia.

 ECT is not as scary as the movies made it out to be. My husband has done more that 20 of these and I'm thankful they are an option as part of his treatment. 

Like Grandpa

Over the last two years, my son probably cries every three months about the possibility that my husband could die, because three out of four of his grandpa's have died. In those moments I feel completely helpless, and answerless when he asks why.

But today I learned I don't need to know those answers. The two of us, me and my son went to the memorial day neighborhood breakfast. My son disappeared on me, while I was visiting with another mom. He's eleven, so I don't experience the same thoughts and feelings as when he was little.
When I found him, he was cooking the pancakes with one of his friend's dads.

My son's never been to a party where Grandpa H showed up and quietly went to the kitchen to help. I have memories of this, but he's never seen this. My son doesn't have memories of my dad, Grandpa W shaking everyone's hand before church and saying, "Hi. How 'ya doin'?" then answering "Fine thanks for asking." But I see him doing that before church each week.

I was also reminded of Mary looking for Jesus and He told his mother, He was about his Father's business.

My son has a legacy of good people to follow even if he doesn't remember and there is a plan for him. He just needs to discover it, and I need to let him live that plan.

Fixing the Carpet Just One More Thing to Do....

Over the weekend the distilled water jug for the C-Pap machine broke and at least three gallons of water spilled on the closet carpet. I used the carpet cleaner to clean up the mess but our fan broke and there wasn't enough air circulation to dry out the carpet.  Everywhere on the internet told me to pull up the carpet but not how to pull up the carpet. I called a restoration company to fix my mess. They came out and confidently told me I could fix this myself for 10 bucks. I called someone because I wanted this taken care of and to look good when it was done. Not be told to fix it myself.  I painted on a smile and thanked them.

A trip to Home Depot and three items latter I was ready to go.

I sat in the closet and cried as I pulled up the carpet. I cried because I had to do the job by myself. My dad used to do those type of projects with me, not usually for me. I cried because I wanted to be doing other things. I cried because it had to be done and I was the only one to do it. I'd already called the Home Teachers, and my  in state brother-in-laws were all at little kids sporting games.  There was no way to get out of this unless I let the bathroom smell, and deal with the allergies the mold would bring.

Following my instructions I pulled up the carpet. I thought of the Provo City Center Temple. This temple used to be a beautiful, useful building and was damaged by a fire. Then restored beyond comprehension to become a sacred temple. I wondered what the Lord is shaping me to become.

I fixed the carpet and it looks like it did before the spill.

I learned I could do hard things, even when it was just one more thing on the to do list. And yes, my total cost was $7.59.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Giving Credit where Credit is Due

A friend of mine told me I should give myself some credit for all that I do.  I took apart the kids bathroom sink and cleared the clogged drain over the weekend.

My dad taught me how to clean the drain when I was younger and his method was what was needed  for this project but I don't have the hand strength to remove the pipe and replace it cleaned out. Although I could remove the stopper and using a crochet hook pull out as much hair as possible. The sink drains now and I didn't need to call a plumber. I could fix this myself.

I'm glad my dad followed Lehi's example and taught his children many things. Even if I can't do them Dad's way, the job got done. And I'm a better person for it.

Mother Daughter Activity Day Pajama Party

I've slept in my clothes for almost two years because I never knew if we were going to need to go to the emergency room. Sleeping in my clothes made me feel protected and prepared. It also made me feel less rejected when my husband was sleeping on the floor and not in bed with me.

Because I've been wearing my jeans and t-shirts to bed the kids constantly ask to sleep in their clothes. So when the pajama party for activity days came up, I wore a t-shirt and jeans, and my daughter wore the same thing, even matching shirts.

When people asked me why I wasn't wearing pajamas I didn't tell them the whole truth. Just this is what I'm comfortable wearing. In tying not to sugar coat my life, but be accepting of it. Where do I draw the line. How much info is too much info?

Besides who really cares that I don't wear pajamas anymore?

Me that's who.

What am I afraid of?

The last ten days have been hard. We had more medical tests and answers that we don't understand.  On May 5th my husband was told he needed to be tested for Hepatitis A B And C because his routine blood work came back with his liver function abnormal. He had high white blood cell counts too. That told the doctors he was fighting an infection somewhere. After five different blood draws and an ultrasound everything came back non-life threatening. More problems were identified, a cyst on his kidney and a fatty liver and his sodium levels are low. To add to the list of the spot on his brain, his thyroid, sleep apnea, REM sleep disorder, depression and anxiety, leaky gut and I'm sure I'm missing something.

With all this came back fear. 

Fear so strong that it wasn't rational and I couldn't think logically. The fear was consuming me every time I took a breath. 

I tried to hide from it by going to a play. I tried ti face it by talking about it with my husband, but he was exhausted from from work and trying to make it through the day that he could only talk about the surface emotions.  I tried to throw my energy into other projects like cleaning and sewing and reading good books.  

But the Fear kept growing. 

Thursday, I called a therapist that I haven't seen in six months and scheduled an appointment. She was able to get me in that night after I got of work. When I hung up the phone I cried. Asking for help seems to bring that out in me. People knew that I'd been crying when I walked back into work and tried to put on a happy face and their concern was sincere.    

When the appointment time arrived I was grateful to see Sonya. She's a grandmother and comfortable with herself.  We talked about what was going on, and she helped identify more emotions that just fear. As I understand those emotions better I'll create posts about them, but addressing the fear head on was what I needed.

I felt like I left the fear in her office and my shoulders were empty of burdens.

What I feared the most was losing my husband, but what I didn't realize was that I'd already lost him. All the changes of his health has changed him so much I don't know who he is, or becoming,

And I've been blessed with a new day to figure out who he is and where we are going.

A Rite of Passage

My son turns 12 in less than six months. I has this horrible thought that my in-laws might buy him a gun for his birthday. This thought wasn't far off. After wanting to find out from my Sister-in-law what my in-laws gave the two oldest nephews I decided I needed to handle this fear head on and ask my mother-in-law directly.

My thoughts were not far off. When the grandsons turn 12 Grandpa tells them if they earn their Eagle scout award he will buy a "nice" gun as their present. He's purchased two that are sitting in the family gun safe. I told my mother-in-law that we would need to come up with something different for my house.  My son doesn't even know of the gun tradition, and as much as I like shooting, more guns cannot enter my home.

Why do we even need to bribe my son to earn his Eagle in the first place? Does Grandpa and Grandma even care that my daughter will not be earning an Eagle? Would they buy a gun for the Young Woman medallion?

I may not know what the new tradition will be for my son, but at least I spoke up, even if it wasn't directly.

Into the Woods...to meet an old boyfriend

I've never loved Act II of the play Into the Woods. I haven't watched the updated Disney Movie, and I don't plan on it. I usually avoid the show.  I like the premise of Act II that getting what you want isn't always what you think it should be, or even the thought that life isn't always happily ever after.

We received news from the doctor yesterday that I was still living a "not so happily ever after." My husband's liver isn't functioning as it should be, so today we spent time doing blood work to find out if he has a form of Hepatitis. He will be having more tests ran on Tuesday and are in the waiting game.

My husband took the news as a slap in the face. He's doing better mentally and physically but shut down from the news. He understandably felt overwhelmed and upset and called into work. I never know if being alone is a good thing or a bad thing until I hear his voice. And this time let him be alone with his thoughts, and what health choices he was going to make. This doctor had concerns that one of his medications could be causing his liver to be working too hard. My husband doesn't want to end the medication they are worried about because he knows how much it helps his mental health. He knows what life was like without the medication and what it's like with the medication and doesn't want to go off.

I didn't feel helpless, but more useless in this situation. I've had the thought more than once that he should go off the mental health meds and just see what it's like to only have his thyroid meds in his system. I think his thyroid cause more of his issues and he doesn't know what side affects are from what medication. That's another story. But I fee like if I get what I want by default I win but at what cost if he isn't ready for the idea? That's an answer I don't want to find out.

So when all was said and done and my husband tucked into bed at 6:30 I took the kids to the high school to see the school play even if I don't like the ending. I spent money to watch something I don't love to get out of the house and escape into someone else's problems.  

Act I was fun. We saw the neighbor kids and the older siblings from our football team and told the kids we might leave at intermission because I don't like Act II that much. During intermission I ran into and old boyfriend.

What timing! I haven't seen this guy in 15 years and owed him an apology
and I'd been reminded all day that I wasn't living my happily every after and I see someone I loved with all my heart. Talk about irony.  I don't regret the life I chose, but he was whole-healthy. Something I haven't had for years now.

Mr. X was living some of his dreams. I was sad that he doesn't have any kids of his own. He even accepted my apology and said that he hadn't held that against me.  My kids didn't even embarrass me.
  
I cried though the second act and felt prepared to face life. Even if my life wasn't perfect I had good things to go home to. And coming home felt good.