Two of the Scariest Things I've Ever Done

February 2014

When my husband was released from the hospital in June 2013, we knew February would be hard. If you don't know it February is the longest month out of the year. The sun isn't awake when you leave for work and it goes to bed before you leave work.  So in June, when he was stable we scheduled a business trip for February where he would be in the sun and be paid to go to work.

Fast forward to February two days before it's time to leave town.

My husband was suicidal and due to leave town. Before he left town I had to go to the Mortuary and ask those worst case scenario, what would happen if he took his life out of town. The answers change from state to state, and luckily I didn't need the answers.

I remember holding it together while I was in the Mortuary and how bad my hands shook putting the key in the ignition to go back home. I remember letting out my breath in the car feeling less powerless. I had answers to make choices.

October 2016

Today I talked to an attorney. My husband opened the divorce door again, and this time I haven't slammed it shut. I've been thinking this through as much as a possible. I know nothing works out like you plan it in your head. Even though we've talked about divorce in the past, I've never acted on any of those conversations.

Talking to the attorney about me and my specific situation was comforting.  I've never used an attorney's services. He was open to talking to me about a variety of family law, not just divorce. He told me about power of attorney and that my in-laws would have to prove my husband is an unfit parent if they wanted visitations. After he talked to me about all the health issues my husband has, he said something that I wasn't expecting. "He said, in my legal experience your situation doesn't get any better. It's better to get out while you can, and while both of you will be safe." (Referring to me and my husband.)

I sat in the car and cried a little. Nothing major. I called my mom, the only person who would keep this confidential. I didn't feel in shock like the mortuary even though both conversations felt similar. I felt like I was okay no matter what I did.

I'm still not ready to get a divorce. I never planed on getting an divorce. Until today, I didn't even know how to file for a divorce. But in the long run a divorce might not be a bad thing. I'm not going to make any fast decisions. But information made me feel powerful.

Now to make a decision....