What am I afraid of?

The last ten days have been hard. We had more medical tests and answers that we don't understand.  On May 5th my husband was told he needed to be tested for Hepatitis A B And C because his routine blood work came back with his liver function abnormal. He had high white blood cell counts too. That told the doctors he was fighting an infection somewhere. After five different blood draws and an ultrasound everything came back non-life threatening. More problems were identified, a cyst on his kidney and a fatty liver and his sodium levels are low. To add to the list of the spot on his brain, his thyroid, sleep apnea, REM sleep disorder, depression and anxiety, leaky gut and I'm sure I'm missing something.

With all this came back fear. 

Fear so strong that it wasn't rational and I couldn't think logically. The fear was consuming me every time I took a breath. 

I tried to hide from it by going to a play. I tried ti face it by talking about it with my husband, but he was exhausted from from work and trying to make it through the day that he could only talk about the surface emotions.  I tried to throw my energy into other projects like cleaning and sewing and reading good books.  

But the Fear kept growing. 

Thursday, I called a therapist that I haven't seen in six months and scheduled an appointment. She was able to get me in that night after I got of work. When I hung up the phone I cried. Asking for help seems to bring that out in me. People knew that I'd been crying when I walked back into work and tried to put on a happy face and their concern was sincere.    

When the appointment time arrived I was grateful to see Sonya. She's a grandmother and comfortable with herself.  We talked about what was going on, and she helped identify more emotions that just fear. As I understand those emotions better I'll create posts about them, but addressing the fear head on was what I needed.

I felt like I left the fear in her office and my shoulders were empty of burdens.

What I feared the most was losing my husband, but what I didn't realize was that I'd already lost him. All the changes of his health has changed him so much I don't know who he is, or becoming,

And I've been blessed with a new day to figure out who he is and where we are going.