The Battle is Over but Just Beginning

I don't know if I am married or divorced. My paperwork has been sent to the judge and is in the the pile to be signed. I talked to my husband last night and he said he didn't feel very well and not to bring the kids over. He sounded awful but wanted to talk to the kids. The kids thought he sounded like he had been crying and he told both kids he loved them and he was proud of them. I have struggled every time I have spoke with him since he moved out about not telling him I love him. So instead I told him to be safe. That was about  seven thirty and those were the last words he said.

I sent him a text at 6 in the morning when my son and I were doing his paper route and he didn't answer. I sent him a text around lunch time about our son. I couldn't find his car in the parking lot at work so I went by his house.

When the garage door opened and his car was there I knew he passed away. I ran up the stairs yelling and screaming to make a ruckus in case I was wrong. I found him on the bathroom floor with a pillow under his head. A scream came out instantly when I saw him. I dropped my purse and threw my phone. Somehow I called 911. They told me to leave the house until the workers arrived because it would be treated like a crime scene.The emergency team came quickly. I was relieved when Terry,the EMT came in, who I knew from being a coach with youth football. I had tears on my cheeks and they called the medical examiner and declared him dead at 6 pm. When the Sheriff's department arrived I told them my in-laws would be there in a few minutes and they would need to tell them my husband was dead. I couldn't do that. There were so many police cars outside his place they had to know something was really wrong. My mother-in-law's cry was so painful to hear.

I know it sounds crazy looking at it in print, but I called my attorney because I was the one who found him and the phone emergency worker said his death was going to be treated like a criminal investigation. And that yes that means I probably have watched too much T.V.

I cried on the porch talking to an officer and because I didn't know if I was married or divorce and I didn't have paperwork in hand they said I was legally married and the next of kin.

I had to call my husband's boss so they had time to figure things out for Monday, fill out paperwork for the police and find someplace for my kids to go while I stayed with the police. My mother-in-law called all  her side of the family while I was still talking to the police.

I called my mom and my sister. Both of them didn't believe me at first. When my husbands aunt and brother came, my  mom decided she needed to come. She stayed with me until the police let me go. The Sheriff's office was kind. One of my husband's best friends worked for the Sheriff's office and the team let him know, so our name didn't come across his desk.

The medical examiner let us all see my husband's body before they took him to the office. I asked because my husband wanted to be cremated but his mom couldn't handle that and those choices couldn't be made until Monday when we had an appointment with the Mortuary. They had him in a blue plaid print quilt. He looked pale but like he was sleeping and in a blanket he would have picked out himself.

When they were taking him to the car and I had to talk to the Medical Examiner about where his body should go and how to prepare the body. My husband's aunt was quite upset with me for asking those type of questions to the family. She told me I threw him away. I took a big breath in and didn't say anything mean back. But I wanted to. She was the only person there besides me that saw how bad his nightmares were and she said I threw him away. That hurt.

The detective leading the investigation needed to take my husband's cell phone and any electronic devices.

My husband hadn't been suicidal for about nine months. He was actually doing better emotionally  that he was doing for a long time.

I knew this day would happen, but it was still a shock. He was doing so much better I thought a day like today was out of the question.

The police believed he died of natural causes, but nothing could be closed until a toxicology report came back.

The Shack

 I went on a date today after the kids went to their dad's house. I had been told by several people to go see the movie The Shack. I almost didn't go because that was what my husband and I were going to go see when I decided we were done. So those feelings were with me. I remembered from the book it started out hard. But it was two hours of my time well spent.

The movie shows a happy family that faces a tragedy. The youngest daughter dies. In dealing with his grief the dad shuts everyone one. I knew how the wife felt and I knew how hard she was praying for her family, and her husband. One thing that I have struggled with is that my husband and I no longer are healing together. I prayed, fasted and anything else I could think of, and begged God to no end. Somehow, and I don't understand why, but I'm not bitter. But I do have to be careful about jealousy. Because in real life people turn to their Savior and their family members are healed. I'm just as good/bad as anyone else. I wasn't given that blessing. 

My date and I talked about forgiveness. We talked about how we were changed by other people. Sitting in the truck it felt like a little haven. I wasn't expecting the movie to draw us closer together. With all the hard stuff I faced over the last while, I am still in shock that someone from my past is part of my healing. How wonderful it is to be loved by him-again.

I have asked my new/old boyfriend if he has forgiven my ex-husband for how he treated me. I know my ex-husband didn't mean to treat me the way he did. He never planned on that. But my new/old boyfriend said he's been thinking about it off and on since I asked him a few weeks ago. He just expressed how grateful he was to have me back in his life again and if that was the path to lead me back to him, then he would need to dwell on the positive and try to help heal the negative.  

I wasn't expecting to have Spiritual intimacy, and emotional intimacy in one night.  His kiss was tender and very loving when he kissed me good night. I felt like mush at the end of the date.  Like in The Shack healing comes in unexpected ways. 

Married People Go to Walmart on Dates

I ran into an ex-boyfriend of mine and when he found out I was getting divorced he asked me on a date. I didn't want my kids to meet him yet so I had him pick me up and take me to Walmart. Even driving to Walmart I said to him, you know married people go on dates to Walmart. We laughed all the way there. And sure enough I ran into several people from the ward on dates to Walmart with their spouse.

I didn't know how to act. I was afraid to hold his hand. I was afraid to touch him.

In the words of Grandma, I didn't die. But it was nice to be with someone that wanted to hold my hand. I may have been afraid of it, but it was nice.

Even being scared, going to Walmart on a date felt like I was normal. Who knows maybe one day I'll be a married woman going on dates to Walmart again.

Unexpected Forgivness

Nothing has really changed in my home. We are waiting for my husband's new place to be ready before he moves out. Things seem normal for the most part. My husband still goes to work, sleeps on the floor, and does what he wants. But what surprised me about the last few days is I am NOT mad at my husband for all the stuff he has chosen to stop doing for the last few years. I don't know how it happened. I wish I did, so I could share my secret, but by deciding to get divorced and he was never going to do what he used all of my anger went away.

The Attorney's office

We made the decision to share an attorney. Usually when you write about stuff like this there is a something profound you learned, or some pivotal drama, or internal conflict.  Nothing.

We went in sat down at the desk, spent ten minutes and gave him $1500 dollars in cash. He gave us both our own individual folders we shock hands. The attorney told us we needed to take a child class and that our state law required 90 days before the divorce could be finalized. Neither of us were very emotional. But I was relieved walking out the door a decision was made and agreed upon.

The drama came with the Credit Union told us we couldn't file with the court or they would not fund my husband's loan, because that was considered a lawsuit. So now another 45 days before we can file with the court and 90 days for the court to give us their blessing that we are not a couple anymore.

Being married is one of the neatest things I've ever done. Now it's in the hands of a judge.

The list of reasons to get Divorced.

I've wanted to write about this for a few weeks, but the thought of seeing this list in writing hurt. I met with my LCSW therapist a few weeks ago and he said, "Your a good little Mormon girl, and good little Mormon girls are taught to stay married and figure it out. And you were probably taught the only reason to end a marriage is abuse."  I was taught abuse, addiction and adultery were acceptable reasons to end a marriage, so he was pretty close.

This is a list of all the different things we talked about in my appointment. He felt like I couldn't make a decision about staying or leaving my marriage if I didn't have a full picture of the health of my marriage. My husband hasn't been suicidal for about five months now and his health seems to be maintaining. 

Different Values

Excessive Negativeness

Arguments

Counseling did not work

Unfaithful

Emotional exhaustion

Be better off

Needs no longer met

Staying for the kids

Abuse

Thinking marriage lesser of 2 evils

No longer trust

No longer respect

Cheaper to keep him

Worried what others will think

Feel lonely

Vastly different sexual needs

Not enjoying time together and/or life (social)

Distance pattern

Unfaithful, abuse and worried what others would think are the only things that I did not have on the list. That stung pretty hard. 

So reality is my relationship with my husband isn’t going to get any better, and I’m not doing well accepting that. I’m not doing well with the fact that It’s not IF but it’s really when, I get divorced. I am a liar because I committed to a long term relationship and I’m not keeping that commitment.  That’s bothering me a lot.  The statistics are if I leave my husband will either snap back to the guy he was before, or kill himself. He could just stay in the middle range where he is now but that’s like a 10% chance.  I also don’t want to give up the rest of my life. I love my neighbors, the kids school, the ward. I need a new job. There are consequences that come with that. I still have 9 months left of school. The kids are at hard ages for a life changing event. Entering junior high is hard enough, let alone divorce. 

But the fact that that I am feeling and crying is good. It's okay to feel what's really going on. 

I watched my marriage die

Hollywood makes marriages end with a bang, or a loud argument. I watched my die and in silence with nothing I could do about it.

My husband wrecked his car and called me to pick him up. It's been tense between us the last few weeks because I'm mad at him for not reaching out to me. So him calling me to pick him was was a good thing. He gave me a hug at the site of the accident, but because I needed one, not because he needed one. When I took him home he sat in the chair next to me with his hands in fists and tears leaking out of his eyes. He sat next to me in the house at the kitchen counter, the same way. Fists as tight as possible and I asked if I could him hug and help him feel better. He told me no, and I asked if I should call his mom, and he said yes. When she got there he hugged her in the exact same spot in the hall that he hugged me four years ago when his car was rear-ended. He hugged his mom, the way he should have, and used to turn to me. His dad got there a few minutes later and he cried and hugged his dad.

If he can't turn to me in a time of crisis, or good times, or anytime, why am I still married?

Meeting with the Stake President

Last Sunday the Stake President spoke and promised anyone in the congregation that they could ask him for help and he would do his best to support us in our trials. Well after a few days of pondering I took him up on the matter. I sent him an email and told him what was going on in my home. Here is basically what the email said.

This is my work email because I don’t want my kids to accidentally see it.

I know you promised the whole ward that you would do what you could to help them individually and you meant it. I don’t think there is anything you can do right now, but maybe in the future. It might help to know what is going on.

I have been married 16, almost 17 years and my husband has been suicidal for the last 6 of those years. He’s not been suicidal for 4 months now, and this is the longest time he as gone without those negative thoughts. He also has several health issues and it takes two hands to count them all. I have PTSD because my husband has PTSD and we both see a therapist.   

I know how Jonha feels. The Lord has told me it’s okay to get divorced and I don’t want to do that. Running away from the Lord is never good. That also means I need to get a new job because we both work for the same company and I like my job. 

In October I felt like I needed to get divorced. If I leave, I need to leave when he is well. But Good little Mormon girls don’t know how to do that. I had to learn how to do all that and I don’t want to stay married, but I don’t want to give up the rest of the life my husband and I built. Love isn’t an issue. I still love him, but I can’t do this everyday.   I don’t want to take my kids out of their schools, and away from Aunt M and Uncle M. They will also have anxiety if I stay or if I leave. And I still want the kids to see their dad everyday. I know church leaders are not supposed to tell people what to do in situations like mine. And no one can make that decision but me.    

I am having a hard time reconciling the truths I have been taught with the reality that I live. We really have had to have evil things cast out of my husband, and the house.  Things I never dreamed when we were married that could happen have happened. I wasn’t prepared for this.

But I do have hope and know Christ knows me by name and because of Jonha I am trying to have faith and do something each day to put that faith into action.

An only in Utah Moment

J wanted to go to the temple so I got him up and out the door and we were at the temple by 6 AM. Where I don't hold the priesthood they usually put J in with another ward. The worker took my son's slip and walked over to another group and I thought they were going to put Jake with the group. Turns out the leader of the other group was the guy I had my first date with. I would have been fine with "William" serving Jake in the temple, but it didn't happen. The worker was thanking William for taking his group to the temple that early in the morning. It would have stung a little if he baptized J because he was active in the church and my husband is not. But it was more important that J did baptisms than who helped him do the work. I also don't have any hard feelings against William.

Help from 10 States Away

For the last few weeks I haven't been able to get an ex-boyfriend's mom out of my head. I haven't talked to this boyfriend for twenty years and he doesn't live in the same state as I do. I don't regret not marring him or anything like that. He was a part of my past and for that I am grateful, but he hit walls. That usually is a red flag. As much as I would like, my kids are not being raised in a home like I grew up in. They are being raised with a mom that goes to work and a dad that sleeps a lot, has med changes regularly, and goes to the doctor once a month.

I was thinking of "John's" mom, mostly because she's lived though what I am facing and raised a family during all the health trials in her home. I wanted someone to tell me everything would be okay. What she wished she did differently and stuff like that. After a little detective work she passed away. So I called John and asked what helped him as a kid in our situation.

When he answered the phone I felt a sense of relief and I cried. Before we even got into what I was calling him for he apologized for hitting walls and said the first time he did that with his wife, she made him take anger management classes and thanked me for helping get him on a mission. He was so happy my son was playing football, had a dog, and was going to church. We spoke for twenty minutes and I felt a sense of peace.

I never told my husband about the call, but I made sure one of my best friends knew.

What I really learned from this conversation was that I have people willing to help me even if they live ten states away.