The list of reasons to get Divorced.

I've wanted to write about this for a few weeks, but the thought of seeing this list in writing hurt. I met with my LCSW therapist a few weeks ago and he said, "Your a good little Mormon girl, and good little Mormon girls are taught to stay married and figure it out. And you were probably taught the only reason to end a marriage is abuse."  I was taught abuse, addiction and adultery were acceptable reasons to end a marriage, so he was pretty close.

This is a list of all the different things we talked about in my appointment. He felt like I couldn't make a decision about staying or leaving my marriage if I didn't have a full picture of the health of my marriage. My husband hasn't been suicidal for about five months now and his health seems to be maintaining. 

Different Values

Excessive Negativeness

Arguments

Counseling did not work

Unfaithful

Emotional exhaustion

Be better off

Needs no longer met

Staying for the kids

Abuse

Thinking marriage lesser of 2 evils

No longer trust

No longer respect

Cheaper to keep him

Worried what others will think

Feel lonely

Vastly different sexual needs

Not enjoying time together and/or life (social)

Distance pattern

Unfaithful, abuse and worried what others would think are the only things that I did not have on the list. That stung pretty hard. 

So reality is my relationship with my husband isn’t going to get any better, and I’m not doing well accepting that. I’m not doing well with the fact that It’s not IF but it’s really when, I get divorced. I am a liar because I committed to a long term relationship and I’m not keeping that commitment.  That’s bothering me a lot.  The statistics are if I leave my husband will either snap back to the guy he was before, or kill himself. He could just stay in the middle range where he is now but that’s like a 10% chance.  I also don’t want to give up the rest of my life. I love my neighbors, the kids school, the ward. I need a new job. There are consequences that come with that. I still have 9 months left of school. The kids are at hard ages for a life changing event. Entering junior high is hard enough, let alone divorce. 

But the fact that that I am feeling and crying is good. It's okay to feel what's really going on. 

I watched my marriage die

Hollywood makes marriages end with a bang, or a loud argument. I watched my die and in silence with nothing I could do about it.

My husband wrecked his car and called me to pick him up. It's been tense between us the last few weeks because I'm mad at him for not reaching out to me. So him calling me to pick him was was a good thing. He gave me a hug at the site of the accident, but because I needed one, not because he needed one. When I took him home he sat in the chair next to me with his hands in fists and tears leaking out of his eyes. He sat next to me in the house at the kitchen counter, the same way. Fists as tight as possible and I asked if I could him hug and help him feel better. He told me no, and I asked if I should call his mom, and he said yes. When she got there he hugged her in the exact same spot in the hall that he hugged me four years ago when his car was rear-ended. He hugged his mom, the way he should have, and used to turn to me. His dad got there a few minutes later and he cried and hugged his dad.

If he can't turn to me in a time of crisis, or good times, or anytime, why am I still married?

Meeting with the Stake President

Last Sunday the Stake President spoke and promised anyone in the congregation that they could ask him for help and he would do his best to support us in our trials. Well after a few days of pondering I took him up on the matter. I sent him an email and told him what was going on in my home. Here is basically what the email said.

This is my work email because I don’t want my kids to accidentally see it.

I know you promised the whole ward that you would do what you could to help them individually and you meant it. I don’t think there is anything you can do right now, but maybe in the future. It might help to know what is going on.

I have been married 16, almost 17 years and my husband has been suicidal for the last 6 of those years. He’s not been suicidal for 4 months now, and this is the longest time he as gone without those negative thoughts. He also has several health issues and it takes two hands to count them all. I have PTSD because my husband has PTSD and we both see a therapist.   

I know how Jonha feels. The Lord has told me it’s okay to get divorced and I don’t want to do that. Running away from the Lord is never good. That also means I need to get a new job because we both work for the same company and I like my job. 

In October I felt like I needed to get divorced. If I leave, I need to leave when he is well. But Good little Mormon girls don’t know how to do that. I had to learn how to do all that and I don’t want to stay married, but I don’t want to give up the rest of the life my husband and I built. Love isn’t an issue. I still love him, but I can’t do this everyday.   I don’t want to take my kids out of their schools, and away from Aunt M and Uncle M. They will also have anxiety if I stay or if I leave. And I still want the kids to see their dad everyday. I know church leaders are not supposed to tell people what to do in situations like mine. And no one can make that decision but me.    

I am having a hard time reconciling the truths I have been taught with the reality that I live. We really have had to have evil things cast out of my husband, and the house.  Things I never dreamed when we were married that could happen have happened. I wasn’t prepared for this.

But I do have hope and know Christ knows me by name and because of Jonha I am trying to have faith and do something each day to put that faith into action.

An only in Utah Moment

J wanted to go to the temple so I got him up and out the door and we were at the temple by 6 AM. Where I don't hold the priesthood they usually put J in with another ward. The worker took my son's slip and walked over to another group and I thought they were going to put Jake with the group. Turns out the leader of the other group was the guy I had my first date with. I would have been fine with "William" serving Jake in the temple, but it didn't happen. The worker was thanking William for taking his group to the temple that early in the morning. It would have stung a little if he baptized J because he was active in the church and my husband is not. But it was more important that J did baptisms than who helped him do the work. I also don't have any hard feelings against William.

Help from 10 States Away

For the last few weeks I haven't been able to get an ex-boyfriend's mom out of my head. I haven't talked to this boyfriend for twenty years and he doesn't live in the same state as I do. I don't regret not marring him or anything like that. He was a part of my past and for that I am grateful, but he hit walls. That usually is a red flag. As much as I would like, my kids are not being raised in a home like I grew up in. They are being raised with a mom that goes to work and a dad that sleeps a lot, has med changes regularly, and goes to the doctor once a month.

I was thinking of "John's" mom, mostly because she's lived though what I am facing and raised a family during all the health trials in her home. I wanted someone to tell me everything would be okay. What she wished she did differently and stuff like that. After a little detective work she passed away. So I called John and asked what helped him as a kid in our situation.

When he answered the phone I felt a sense of relief and I cried. Before we even got into what I was calling him for he apologized for hitting walls and said the first time he did that with his wife, she made him take anger management classes and thanked me for helping get him on a mission. He was so happy my son was playing football, had a dog, and was going to church. We spoke for twenty minutes and I felt a sense of peace.

I never told my husband about the call, but I made sure one of my best friends knew.

What I really learned from this conversation was that I have people willing to help me even if they live ten states away.

Two of the Scariest Things I've Ever Done

February 2014

When my husband was released from the hospital in June 2013, we knew February would be hard. If you don't know it February is the longest month out of the year. The sun isn't awake when you leave for work and it goes to bed before you leave work.  So in June, when he was stable we scheduled a business trip for February where he would be in the sun and be paid to go to work.

Fast forward to February two days before it's time to leave town.

My husband was suicidal and due to leave town. Before he left town I had to go to the Mortuary and ask those worst case scenario, what would happen if he took his life out of town. The answers change from state to state, and luckily I didn't need the answers.

I remember holding it together while I was in the Mortuary and how bad my hands shook putting the key in the ignition to go back home. I remember letting out my breath in the car feeling less powerless. I had answers to make choices.

October 2016

Today I talked to an attorney. My husband opened the divorce door again, and this time I haven't slammed it shut. I've been thinking this through as much as a possible. I know nothing works out like you plan it in your head. Even though we've talked about divorce in the past, I've never acted on any of those conversations.

Talking to the attorney about me and my specific situation was comforting.  I've never used an attorney's services. He was open to talking to me about a variety of family law, not just divorce. He told me about power of attorney and that my in-laws would have to prove my husband is an unfit parent if they wanted visitations. After he talked to me about all the health issues my husband has, he said something that I wasn't expecting. "He said, in my legal experience your situation doesn't get any better. It's better to get out while you can, and while both of you will be safe." (Referring to me and my husband.)

I sat in the car and cried a little. Nothing major. I called my mom, the only person who would keep this confidential. I didn't feel in shock like the mortuary even though both conversations felt similar. I felt like I was okay no matter what I did.

I'm still not ready to get a divorce. I never planed on getting an divorce. Until today, I didn't even know how to file for a divorce. But in the long run a divorce might not be a bad thing. I'm not going to make any fast decisions. But information made me feel powerful.

Now to make a decision....

ECT Treatment, or Electroshock Treatment

ECT Treatment, or Electroshock Treatment

My husband spent 10 days in the hospital last year. While in the hospital for a few health reasons one of his issues involved major depression.

Before his stay in the hospital he tried several antidepressant medications. All of them worked for a while, and brought him some relief. But he reached a point when the depression medications no longer worked.

During his hospital stay a treatment he hadn’t tried before was offered to him, ECT. The Doctor called the treatment by the initials until a full explanation of the treatment was given. ECT stands for Electroshock Treatment. This is often considered a last resort, but has powerful changes in people’s lives. The treatment consists of several small induced seizures, given under anesthesia. We had to watch a documentary and a video showing the treatment as it is currently preformed today.

People usually have a bad impression of this treatment because of the movie One Flew Over the Coo Coo’s Nest.  The side effects are possible memory loss, and issues with the anesthesia.

 ECT is not as scary as the movies made it out to be. My husband has done more that 20 of these and I'm thankful they are an option as part of his treatment.