Yearbook Pictures

The end of school is near when your kids bring home yearbooks. The kids showed off every page to me. They told me which boy my little girl liked. They told me which girl liked my little boy, and pointed out every friend in the whole school. They even gave me a play by play of the entire school year.  

As a mother I've worried that my kids are becoming depressed because our house has a battle going on with the Dark Side every day. So I looked carefully at my children's pictures. They were happy in their school pictures. I had to look at the pictures again to be sure, but there was no doubt my children were genuinely happy.    

I may not be helping my husband battle the Dark Side, but I'm preventing it from taking over my children's lives. 

"Egg"selent

I've decided I believe in old wives tales....At least for today. Tomorrow???? But I've heard one of the fastest ways to get out of depression is to do service for someone.  The suggestion was also made in Primary on Sunday to serve others when you feel bad. So I'm trying to apply this advice. I know I'm a grown up, but I know my Primary leaders are praying for me too.

I'm starting to slip into those oppressive thoughts that lead to depression myself. My thoughts mostly consist of what have I done to "feed" my husbands depression? Are my expectations too high? Do I put too much pressure on him?

I logically know those type of thoughts do not get me anywhere that I should be going. And Action is required to change some of those thoughts. People say your brain can only think about one thought at a time. Another old wives tale. One that I believe, so it's time to take some action.

The kids are learning things from everywhere these days. Our church leaders say nothing can replace the work done in our own home. So today's thoughts consist of not passing on the depression.

We found a bag of plastic eggs from Easter. I had the kids write positive messages inside the eggs. Kid handwriting is cuter right? Then we made a note that said, "Your Eggselent" and "You've been egged." Then we scattered the eggs in a neighbor's yard.

So thanks for the "Egg"selent suggestion of giving service. It helped battle the Dark Side today.

Thank You to Eric Church

Eric Church has a song on his first album "Sinner's like Me" called Livin' a Part of Life.

When I am stressed or the song on the radio isn't creating good thoughts in my head I play this song.
I can relate to every line.

"Woke up early this mornin' and I'm already runnin'late." Since this started I've been waking up at 4:45 to 5:15 every morning. Even getting up an hour earlier, I slide into work at the last minute. 

"I've got a list of things as long as my arm that I want to get done today."
"Is it Tuesday? Is it Wednesday?" What did I wear yesterday?

But what I love best about this song is how I am reminded to take time for myself and make Livin' a Part of Life.  When I keep fun things in our family (puzzles, funny books, silly math games ect)I've found that even when my husband is down for the count I can breath during this battle.

Battling the Darkside is a daily battle at least for the time being. If I don't find time to have joy in this battle my kids will be out of the house, and not have positive memories to look back on.  Maybe just maybe, the kids might not know how strong the Darkside really is if I can keep Livin' a Part of Life.
Eric, thank you for my pep talk that I can replay daily, hourly, and every five minutes if I need to.

Memorial Day 2014

Memorial Day is a day that we as citizens have the privilege to say thank you to all the Service Men and Women that made and make great sacrifices for our current way of life. Today I'd like to say thank you to their families too.

Thank you to all the partners who have been woke up in the middle of the night from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) nightmares. Those are scary for both of you. Thank you that I may sleep at peace in my own bed knowing that I will be safe.

Thank you to all the kids that blew kisses to parents at the airport not knowing how long it would be before you could hug, or kiss your mom or dad again.

Thank you to every parent that taught their kid to stand up for what they believe, and then having the faith to let your child go and protect others.

Thank you to every Leader who stayed behind so that the team was out first.

Depression and Anxiety are not Cancer

May 2015

Many times on this journey of Battling the Dark Side I've found myself wishing this was Cancer instead of fighting Depression and Anxiety. People understand cancer. People understand cancer  treatments make you sick. People understand that cancer effects the whole family. People raise money for fighting Cancer.  

Truthfully, I don't wish our fight was cancer. I just wish people understood this is a hard battle.

People don't understand Depression, Anxiety, and the rest of the mental health trials. The last statistics I saw from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) says "1 out of 20 Americans 12 years of age and older experience current depression." 

So to bring those numbers home more logically I have 20 houses on my street with an average of 3 people over the age of 12. (20*3=60) Out of 60 people 3 people on my street are experiencing depression This Moment. 

I am not alone in this battle. 

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month.

Help family members get help. Don't be afraid to drive to the emergency room, or call a hotline. The family member may be mad for a moment, but a moment is not a lifetime.

Circling back to the cancer topic. I was asked to bring dinner to a dear friend name Hillary. Yes Hillary is her real name. When the compassionate service leader called and asked if I could bring Hillary a meal on Thursday, saying yes to the meal was easy. I looked at my calender and saw how busy Thursday night was, and had know idea how to get her the meal on time, but thought to myself, "We're not fighting cancer. We can do this."

Tales of Mother's Day's Past

I'm blessed to have good kids. My son came running into my bedroom Mother's Day morning. He jumped on the bed and wished me a good day. My daughter slept in. I didn't see her for two more hours.

Their cards were cute and full of love.

I cried through church. Which is quite common. I gave up wearing make up to church about a year ago because what's the point if I'm going to cry it off anyway. My husband told me he wanted to cancel his apt with our therapist scheduled for Monday because he's tired of talking about "it".  I finally feel like we are getting somewhere and he tells me this. He say's he can feel the Dark Side Creeping in, but he's not in the Dark Place.

Last Mother's day he greeted me with a hug. I didn't receive any hugs that I didn't initiate.

May the 4th Be With You

May the 4th Be With You

Today we celebrated Star Wars at our home. My little girl wore Princess Leia buns in her hair. My son wore his Jedi Training Academy shirt. I tried to come up with some sort of food that a Jedi would eat,but all we did was laugh that I didn't know what a Jedi ate. Then instead of shooting spider webs at the school bus as it drove away, I sent Lightsaber waves. 

I do want to thank George Lucas for all the fun family time we have had over the fifteen years I've know Star Wars.  Star Wars was one of the first movies my husband remembers seeing in the theater and when the first three movies were added to the story line we spent our anniversary in the world of Yoda and clones. 

My son knew he would be picked at Disney Land to be a Jedi because he was strong in the Force. He was picked and would not join Vader's side. He lived as a Jedi every visit to the dentist until he out grew his costume. The dentist also made his visits fun because he was honored to clean a Jedi's teeth. 

The Halloween that my son wanted to be a Clone Trooper my daughter wanted to be Leia. We thought we could make the white dress Leia wears when she has the buns over her ears. This was funny because we forgot to make seam allowances and my daughter couldn't breathe or move her arms. I spent the next day hunting every Halloween shop searching for a costume. She was so happy when I came home with Padmé Amidala. I never thought my kids would have "matching" costumes.

But most of all I want to thank George Lucas for helping me understand the Dark Side and the battle that all Good members face. The Dark Side has been so powerful I could feel it, and I wish all I had to do was wave a purple lightsaber and the wisdom of the council would help me defeat it. Thank you for the inspiration for this blog.

I'm not giving up in this personal Battle. And as my son and so many other wise people have said, "May the Force Be with You!"

You are Special

Present April 2014

Max Lucado wrote a wonderful story You are Special. I tried to paste the image of the front cover here, and his website but that was not successful.  But the key point in the book is that God's opinion is the one that truly matters, not what everyone else thinks.

We had a rough week. My husband had a better week, but my 10 year-old son had a rough week. Right now at recess it's cool to play football. He brings his own ball, and the kids like to play with his because it's out local high school's colors. He didn't get to play the position that he wanted. He was picked last by the team captains, and every day at recess he was told he "sucked" at all the positions he played.

This dark cloud needed to end.

Along with Scriptures we read this book before he left for school. I had stickers that stuck, and stickers that were so old they wouldn't stick to anything. We dropped all the negative stickers on the ground.

The sticker that my son wanted to stick was that he was a good son. He dropped the sticker about being a poor football player.

The sticker that my husband dropped was that he was going to hell.

That was the first time we talked about my husband's fear with the whole family. The kids and I told their dad all the good things that he does for the world and our family. We left the house with a peaceful feeling.

Our son thought this was so helpful we did this for about three days.

Thank you Max Lucado for being inspired to write a story that reminds us that God's opinion is the one that truly matters.  Thank you for helping us battle the Dark Side one day at a time.

Attending Church Alone

Current

Since before this battle started my husband quit attending church. He never said that I couldn't attend church, or that the kids couldn't attend church. He's attendance started drying up like a riverbank in the summer.

I sincerely believe in the atonement and shared that testimony on Sunday. After church a ward member approached me and said she knew she could tell me something because I would understand hard things. I've known this sister for about ten years. We've traded being visiting teachers to each other and I served with her in Cub Scouts. My point is I've loved this sister in different ways for several years.  

She said, "My husband has been battling pornography for the twenty years we have been married. The hard part of this, is his trial is confidential. I can't tell people to get the support that I need. I feel like I'm betraying him when the Home Teachers asks if we need a blessing. Because my husband struggles being worthy to provide those spiritual things in our home."

I didn't see that coming. 

At least with my husband not attending church, people don't question why I need Priesthood holders to come to my house at odd times.  

I never thought of my husband staying at home a blessing.

Now the real challenge is to make sure this sister above knows I love her just the way she is.  I just learned I'm her new visiting teacher.  I need to bring love, and compassion to her without judgement adding to her burden.