Roses Thorns and Buds

http://mikeknudson.wix.com/mikeknudson-website#!collection

This book was a lot of fun to read with my family. The kids and I have read it probably five or six times. While reading this series my son advanced 4 reading levels.  Raymond and Graham kept us laughing.

But the way this book helps our family battle the Dark Side was unexpected.

Raymond and Graham go to camp and at the end of the night the camp leaders have the kids do Roses,Thorns, and Buds. Each camp member tells something good that happened that day- Roses. Then they tell something bad- Thorns. And the Buds are something to look forward to the next day.

We've now done this game for several years before everyone goes to bed. This helps my husband who is depressed just plain talk in general. This helps us know how the kids interpreted the day. But it also showed me that my husbands meds were out of balance.

How would it show me the meds were out of balance? We had four months where my husband didn't experience anything good, or bad. Everything was okay or fine. We lived in a world of grey. We didn't experience any joy.

2 Nephi 2:25 says:  Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

This simple exercise and the scripture helped change the conversations at the doctor's office.

Thank you Mike Knudson for helping my family to laugh, read, and interpret life.

Mouth of Two or Three Witnesses

Fall 2014
I believe prayer is how we talk to God, and the scriptures are how he answers our prayers. So when my answer came from three different people in the same day I was surprised.

Background:
Almost every morning my sister and I walk my crazy dog. When she would ask what happened since we walked together, I would tell her and she wouldn't understand. Or she would be critical of how I handled something. I was starting to feel like my husband's trials were taking away my relationship with my sister. She sincerely did not understand how my husband could sleep for three days and still be tired. She did not understand how my children were reacting to my husband's trials. (She still is my kids favorite aunt.)

At this time my Mother-in-law was calling everyday to ask how her son was doing. She would leave him messages and because he was asleep he wouldn't call her back. After this went on for a while I started to feel like I wasn't following the council of the scriptures. “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." D&C 42:22. Yes, she needed to know what was going on, but because my husband was asleep I was talking to someone else. 

My mom seemed to be the person that even though she didn't understand what was going on, was the most supportive.  She didn't try to pacify me with phrases, "that this too shall pass" and "just tell him to get over it" or "make your husband go to work." Then complete shock happened and her dad passed away. With this turn of events she was busy taking care of her mom. She didn't forget about me or ignore me, she just had other things added to her plate.

Answered Prayer:
I met a group of friends and they asked what was going on. Without hesitation the group all told me I needed to get a counselor. I went to work that day and my boss suggested I talk to her and call the employee assistance line and get a counselor.  The third person that day was from someone I hardly knew. 

Action:
I looked up providers with my health insurance and had an intake scheduled. Unlike my husbands quick intakes,(Yes those were exceptions to the rule.) mine was 45 days out.  I'd lived with it for 4 years what was another 45 days.  

Setting up our First Appointment with a Therapist

Timeline Feb/March 2010

I knew something was off. I didn't know what was wrong, or if everything I was watching was all in my head, but something was different.  

We were laying in bed and I actually got my husband talking. Something he was doing less and less of lately. I didn't know what they meant, I just knew it was different. Somewhere inside of me I found the courage to ask if he was suicidal. At the time I didn't know if talking about suicide was a good thing or not. 

His answer surprised me when he said yes.    

I don't remember which thought came first or what I said back to him, but I knew he was being honest with me, and I didn't know what to do, or how to "fix" this. I saw this news like a broken arm, or the doctor telling me my child had an ear infection.  A little love, and an antibiotic we would be on our way.

Sleep and I didn't become good partners that nigh. It was probably one of the first nights I understood how someone could pray all night. I didn't dare leave my room, or my bed, but when early morning came I devoured any solid information on the internet. 

At 8:01 I called and had an intake appointment with LDS social services for that day. I might have got through to someone sooner, like a whole minute. I accidentally called the adoption line. What a relief we could be seen the same day. I was lucky when I set up the appointment. The scheduling clerk understood me though my tears.   

I didn't go to this appointment. Our kids were too little, and finding someone to watch them seemed wrong. But when my husband walked in the door his shoulders were taller and eyes brighter.

LDS Social Services 

Your Happily Ever After

My Happily Ever After isn't Over

My youngest daughter just turned eight. She is now an official member of Activity Days. Something she's been looking forward to as much as her Baptism.  The first activity for her to attend was a mother daughter activity. She was invited to come in a princess dress and enjoy dinner at the church. I was invited to bring something that represented my Happily Ever After for the decorations.

I saw that request and my first thought was I can't lie to these sweet girls. I don't even know if I'm going to be married in the next few weeks, or months. So I'm supposed to go to an activity talking about Happily Ever After.

The Darkside was strong. this week. I wasn't afraid that my husband would take his life this week, those thoughts were not in his mind. We had a different problem.  My husband didn't care about anything-except the kids. He refused to hug me on more than one occasion. He couldn't talk to me when I walked in the door.  I was ready to contact someone to learn how to start a divorce. I made many covenants in the temple, and being ignored was not one of them.

My daughter insisted that we bring a decoration. The suggested items were family pictures, a wedding picture, or a picture of the temple. I couldn't bring any of those. That would be just like telling the girls a lie. We hunted around the house and saw a gift from my husband from Valentines Day a few years ago. He gave me a flower that is battery operated and when it opens says, "I love you."  This didn't feel like a lie.  The guy that gave me the flower loved me. And that guy was not the same guy sitting in the next room, even though they are the same person.

We ended up sitting with the moms that do not attend church, but their daughters attend Activity Days regularly. This was fun.I enjoyed laughing with these sweet sisters.

I was the only mom that didn't bring a picture. My daughter loved seeing all the wedding dresses outside the temple, and cute family pictures. She giggled when she saw our flower. She wasn't bothered that we were different.

The program was based around  President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk Your Happily Ever After.  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/your-happily-ever-after?lang=eng . I don't know how to post the video of this yet, but when I do I'll come back and put the video in.

The Activity Day leader wrote individual parts for the girls to say as if they were a princess from a fairy tale and a small message tying the princess's story to The Gospel Standards. 

I was reminded that My Happily Ever After isn't over. If I do end up getting divorced my story isn't over. If I'm blessed to stay married (but in a healthy relationship) I'm still in the middle of this story.

I'm a daughter of God what better ending could I have than to return to Him.

Insights from Visiting Teaching

I'm not the best visiting teacher, but I do try to go see my sisters regularly.  One sister I visit has a daughter addicted to drugs and is starting the addiction and recovery program near us.  First of all she was brave to tell me her "truth" and what she part she played as a mom that led to her daughter leaving the path. She told me when she looked back she had so many things going on in her life that she was too busy to hear what her daughter truly needed.

So how does this message apply to me?

I discovered the same truth.

When I was at my husbands therapy appointment this week we were able to pin point where changes started in our relationship. I had been blessed to be a stay-at-home mother for several years. Then I was called to be the Primary President and all of the sudden I was different busy at our home. I also accepted a 4 hour a month part time job outside of our home. It didn't seem like it was too much at the time.I was busy with good things, I thought I was including my husband in those new parts of my life. Looking back I would still say yes to the calling, and I would still take the job, but now that I've learned that I was too busy to hear what my husband was truly saying back then.

Now, all I can do is repent and try to do better in the future.

Experiences vs. Stuff

Family gift giving around our house changed a few years ago.This was about the time the depression and anxiety started to become overbearing.  Part of my husband's outlook on life, to battle the dark side, is always having something to look forward to like a goal, but it is an event. So instead of just buying our kids, and each other a gift "stuff" he tries to make it an experience. This practice started when our kids were 5 and 7.  They are now 8 and 10.

Four our daughter's 5th birthday she wanted a sewing machine of her own. My husband liked this because she wouldn't be able to use the machine on her own for a while. So she would have experiences creating things with her mother until she could do things on her own.

Now our daughter is 8. For her birthday this year she was able to take the sewing class at JoAnn's Fabric and Crafts to sew her own summer dress. This was a lot of fun and we looked forward to this for a few years.

Our son has received scouting items, tickets to sporting events, gift cards to McDonalds because he wanted to pay.

It isn't a perfect system, but has helped in the past. Our next birthday isn't for four months and we need to start planning. We have so much to live for.

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror on the wall 

I believe one way depression starts is when we hear something negative and believe it. I've heard people say that for every one negative it takes three positives to cancel out the negative.

This idea can be daunting.

Because as the person that loves the family member that is depressed we have no comprehension of how many times they have told themselves that "negative thought" over and over. We also do not know what damage this thought did to other healthy thoughts.

One way we try to combat this issue is with a mirror. After we have read our scriptures for the morning my daughter gets the "Magic Mirror." We pass the mirror around and each person says something positive about themselves to the mirror.  Sometimes this goes better than others.

Here are some examples of things that have been said:

"I'm good enough"
"I can do this."
"I'm smart and I can solve my own problems."
"I'm cute."
"Every quarterback get's picked."
"Sometimes we loose the game, but I'm not a looser."
"Not every problem needs to be solved."
"I do not need (insert a name) approval to be a good (basketball player, student, family member)."


My husband has a broken relationship with God. I'm hoping in the next few months to add some lines that say, "I'm a child of God and He loves me."

As a Latter Day Saint, I have been blessed to say the Young Women theme over and over again. The first few lines reminds me that I have a Father in Heaven that loves me, and hope to spread that knowledge and His love to all my family.

Hello, if you are reading this and you love someone that struggles with depression and suicide you are not alone. I've created this blog as a way to share some of my personal insights into this mostly unspoken and taboo area in society. Not from a clinical (professionally trained) point of view, but from someone that's lived with someone who's suffered with both issues.All the while trying to raise a family.

In the words of Elastigirl, from Walt Disney's  The Incredibles:  "Your identity is your most valuable possession. Protect it." I will be keeping these entries honest and anonymous. The posts will be from four years of Journal entries or memoir style non-fiction posts. I hope to share insights I've gained from living with someone with these trials, and what I've learned I did to contribute to the situation. Hey, I'm not perfect and willing to be honest about it.

While I'm ready to talk about these issues, or write may be better words there is no substitute for professional help.  You can call as a concerned family member or the person battling the darkside. You can be anonymous but the more solid information you can provide (name, date of birth, or an address) could help in the event of a serious mental health emergency.

Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Or take your family member to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation by a professional.

Last but not least, a few things that make me different than other bloggers is that this is my first blog. I am also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And my dream is to be an author.