Two of the Scariest Things I've Ever Done

February 2014

When my husband was released from the hospital in June 2013, we knew February would be hard. If you don't know it February is the longest month out of the year. The sun isn't awake when you leave for work and it goes to bed before you leave work.  So in June, when he was stable we scheduled a business trip for February where he would be in the sun and be paid to go to work.

Fast forward to February two days before it's time to leave town.

My husband was suicidal and due to leave town. Before he left town I had to go to the Mortuary and ask those worst case scenario, what would happen if he took his life out of town. The answers change from state to state, and luckily I didn't need the answers.

I remember holding it together while I was in the Mortuary and how bad my hands shook putting the key in the ignition to go back home. I remember letting out my breath in the car feeling less powerless. I had answers to make choices.

October 2016

Today I talked to an attorney. My husband opened the divorce door again, and this time I haven't slammed it shut. I've been thinking this through as much as a possible. I know nothing works out like you plan it in your head. Even though we've talked about divorce in the past, I've never acted on any of those conversations.

Talking to the attorney about me and my specific situation was comforting.  I've never used an attorney's services. He was open to talking to me about a variety of family law, not just divorce. He told me about power of attorney and that my in-laws would have to prove my husband is an unfit parent if they wanted visitations. After he talked to me about all the health issues my husband has, he said something that I wasn't expecting. "He said, in my legal experience your situation doesn't get any better. It's better to get out while you can, and while both of you will be safe." (Referring to me and my husband.)

I sat in the car and cried a little. Nothing major. I called my mom, the only person who would keep this confidential. I didn't feel in shock like the mortuary even though both conversations felt similar. I felt like I was okay no matter what I did.

I'm still not ready to get a divorce. I never planed on getting an divorce. Until today, I didn't even know how to file for a divorce. But in the long run a divorce might not be a bad thing. I'm not going to make any fast decisions. But information made me feel powerful.

Now to make a decision....

ECT Treatment, or Electroshock Treatment

ECT Treatment, or Electroshock Treatment

My husband spent 10 days in the hospital last year. While in the hospital for a few health reasons one of his issues involved major depression.

Before his stay in the hospital he tried several antidepressant medications. All of them worked for a while, and brought him some relief. But he reached a point when the depression medications no longer worked.

During his hospital stay a treatment he hadn’t tried before was offered to him, ECT. The Doctor called the treatment by the initials until a full explanation of the treatment was given. ECT stands for Electroshock Treatment. This is often considered a last resort, but has powerful changes in people’s lives. The treatment consists of several small induced seizures, given under anesthesia. We had to watch a documentary and a video showing the treatment as it is currently preformed today.

People usually have a bad impression of this treatment because of the movie One Flew Over the Coo Coo’s Nest.  The side effects are possible memory loss, and issues with the anesthesia.

 ECT is not as scary as the movies made it out to be. My husband has done more that 20 of these and I'm thankful they are an option as part of his treatment. 

Like Grandpa

Over the last two years, my son probably cries every three months about the possibility that my husband could die, because three out of four of his grandpa's have died. In those moments I feel completely helpless, and answerless when he asks why.

But today I learned I don't need to know those answers. The two of us, me and my son went to the memorial day neighborhood breakfast. My son disappeared on me, while I was visiting with another mom. He's eleven, so I don't experience the same thoughts and feelings as when he was little.
When I found him, he was cooking the pancakes with one of his friend's dads.

My son's never been to a party where Grandpa H showed up and quietly went to the kitchen to help. I have memories of this, but he's never seen this. My son doesn't have memories of my dad, Grandpa W shaking everyone's hand before church and saying, "Hi. How 'ya doin'?" then answering "Fine thanks for asking." But I see him doing that before church each week.

I was also reminded of Mary looking for Jesus and He told his mother, He was about his Father's business.

My son has a legacy of good people to follow even if he doesn't remember and there is a plan for him. He just needs to discover it, and I need to let him live that plan.

Fixing the Carpet Just One More Thing to Do....

Over the weekend the distilled water jug for the C-Pap machine broke and at least three gallons of water spilled on the closet carpet. I used the carpet cleaner to clean up the mess but our fan broke and there wasn't enough air circulation to dry out the carpet.  Everywhere on the internet told me to pull up the carpet but not how to pull up the carpet. I called a restoration company to fix my mess. They came out and confidently told me I could fix this myself for 10 bucks. I called someone because I wanted this taken care of and to look good when it was done. Not be told to fix it myself.  I painted on a smile and thanked them.

A trip to Home Depot and three items latter I was ready to go.

I sat in the closet and cried as I pulled up the carpet. I cried because I had to do the job by myself. My dad used to do those type of projects with me, not usually for me. I cried because I wanted to be doing other things. I cried because it had to be done and I was the only one to do it. I'd already called the Home Teachers, and my  in state brother-in-laws were all at little kids sporting games.  There was no way to get out of this unless I let the bathroom smell, and deal with the allergies the mold would bring.

Following my instructions I pulled up the carpet. I thought of the Provo City Center Temple. This temple used to be a beautiful, useful building and was damaged by a fire. Then restored beyond comprehension to become a sacred temple. I wondered what the Lord is shaping me to become.

I fixed the carpet and it looks like it did before the spill.

I learned I could do hard things, even when it was just one more thing on the to do list. And yes, my total cost was $7.59.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Giving Credit where Credit is Due

A friend of mine told me I should give myself some credit for all that I do.  I took apart the kids bathroom sink and cleared the clogged drain over the weekend.

My dad taught me how to clean the drain when I was younger and his method was what was needed  for this project but I don't have the hand strength to remove the pipe and replace it cleaned out. Although I could remove the stopper and using a crochet hook pull out as much hair as possible. The sink drains now and I didn't need to call a plumber. I could fix this myself.

I'm glad my dad followed Lehi's example and taught his children many things. Even if I can't do them Dad's way, the job got done. And I'm a better person for it.

Mother Daughter Activity Day Pajama Party

I've slept in my clothes for almost two years because I never knew if we were going to need to go to the emergency room. Sleeping in my clothes made me feel protected and prepared. It also made me feel less rejected when my husband was sleeping on the floor and not in bed with me.

Because I've been wearing my jeans and t-shirts to bed the kids constantly ask to sleep in their clothes. So when the pajama party for activity days came up, I wore a t-shirt and jeans, and my daughter wore the same thing, even matching shirts.

When people asked me why I wasn't wearing pajamas I didn't tell them the whole truth. Just this is what I'm comfortable wearing. In tying not to sugar coat my life, but be accepting of it. Where do I draw the line. How much info is too much info?

Besides who really cares that I don't wear pajamas anymore?

Me that's who.