The Attorney's office

We made the decision to share an attorney. Usually when you write about stuff like this there is a something profound you learned, or some pivotal drama, or internal conflict.  Nothing.

We went in sat down at the desk, spent ten minutes and gave him $1500 dollars in cash. He gave us both our own individual folders we shock hands. The attorney told us we needed to take a child class and that our state law required 90 days before the divorce could be finalized. Neither of us were very emotional. But I was relieved walking out the door a decision was made and agreed upon.

The drama came with the Credit Union told us we couldn't file with the court or they would not fund my husband's loan, because that was considered a lawsuit. So now another 45 days before we can file with the court and 90 days for the court to give us their blessing that we are not a couple anymore.

Being married is one of the neatest things I've ever done. Now it's in the hands of a judge.

The list of reasons to get Divorced.

I've wanted to write about this for a few weeks, but the thought of seeing this list in writing hurt. I met with my LCSW therapist a few weeks ago and he said, "Your a good little Mormon girl, and good little Mormon girls are taught to stay married and figure it out. And you were probably taught the only reason to end a marriage is abuse."  I was taught abuse, addiction and adultery were acceptable reasons to end a marriage, so he was pretty close.

This is a list of all the different things we talked about in my appointment. He felt like I couldn't make a decision about staying or leaving my marriage if I didn't have a full picture of the health of my marriage. My husband hasn't been suicidal for about five months now and his health seems to be maintaining. 

Different Values

Excessive Negativeness

Arguments

Counseling did not work

Unfaithful

Emotional exhaustion

Be better off

Needs no longer met

Staying for the kids

Abuse

Thinking marriage lesser of 2 evils

No longer trust

No longer respect

Cheaper to keep him

Worried what others will think

Feel lonely

Vastly different sexual needs

Not enjoying time together and/or life (social)

Distance pattern

Unfaithful, abuse and worried what others would think are the only things that I did not have on the list. That stung pretty hard. 

So reality is my relationship with my husband isn’t going to get any better, and I’m not doing well accepting that. I’m not doing well with the fact that It’s not IF but it’s really when, I get divorced. I am a liar because I committed to a long term relationship and I’m not keeping that commitment.  That’s bothering me a lot.  The statistics are if I leave my husband will either snap back to the guy he was before, or kill himself. He could just stay in the middle range where he is now but that’s like a 10% chance.  I also don’t want to give up the rest of my life. I love my neighbors, the kids school, the ward. I need a new job. There are consequences that come with that. I still have 9 months left of school. The kids are at hard ages for a life changing event. Entering junior high is hard enough, let alone divorce. 

But the fact that that I am feeling and crying is good. It's okay to feel what's really going on. 

I watched my marriage die

Hollywood makes marriages end with a bang, or a loud argument. I watched my die and in silence with nothing I could do about it.

My husband wrecked his car and called me to pick him up. It's been tense between us the last few weeks because I'm mad at him for not reaching out to me. So him calling me to pick him was was a good thing. He gave me a hug at the site of the accident, but because I needed one, not because he needed one. When I took him home he sat in the chair next to me with his hands in fists and tears leaking out of his eyes. He sat next to me in the house at the kitchen counter, the same way. Fists as tight as possible and I asked if I could him hug and help him feel better. He told me no, and I asked if I should call his mom, and he said yes. When she got there he hugged her in the exact same spot in the hall that he hugged me four years ago when his car was rear-ended. He hugged his mom, the way he should have, and used to turn to me. His dad got there a few minutes later and he cried and hugged his dad.

If he can't turn to me in a time of crisis, or good times, or anytime, why am I still married?